Friday, 3 December 2010

4 in the morning

im alive......and beginning to feel more so as of today- although pain stops me from sleeping too well-hence the time i am blogging. The last two weeks have to have been the worse and most bizarre of my entire life. Feel like ive called upon every emotion learnt over the years whilst having a kind of out of body experience that has enabled me to endure all that has gone on. I know im not the only individual to feel like ive stared death in the face, planned for and written a goodbye letter to my son and looked at the house for the last time but it is a solitary and lonely experience that no amount of love and support could effect and for that reason it has been life changing and levelling in ways i don't think i'll fully get until some time has passed.

Although i was happy to be discharged from the Marsden so early it has been a difficult time managing the pain, moving about the house and hiding from all you lovely people who want to check im ok. I just needed some time alone to deal with the trauma, roll about the floor with constipation (caused by the pain killers), get some strength and gain back my sense of taste so i could eat again. It was especially weird looking down at my body which still appears to be someone elses that has been transplanted to me below my neck while i wasn't looking. I've lost two and a half stone to date but as a prof at the clinic stated the other day 'yes but it wasn't all you was it my dear!" My clothes are my previous size of course so i look like one of the weight watchers photographs of before and after where you could fit another person in your jeans whilst wearing them-well almost!

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