so a blog has to be honest - the hardest bit. Up until now Ive used humour and self depreciation to sidestep my not so secret comfort blanket. That which used to be illustrated with a Golden Virginia logo and now has me in discussions (with actual secret smokers) as to which deadly disease photograph we can bare on out tobacco pouches. One friend of mine says she can't stand the 'bum hole' neck picture and asks the tobacconist for a different scare. Im not sure which one. She's trying a homeopathic mix and smokes roll ups that resemble a match in width.
Ive tried to tell oncologists that I may need psychological help here but am told it doesn't make any difference to my sarcoma and that I'm in more danger breathing in the fumes on a London street. I don't have lung cancer and if the sarcoma decides to metastasis to my lungs ( a probable site) it will still be a sarcoma rather than lung cancer treatment...so still no help from research there then. Friends and family veer widely with my moods from cheering me on during my "Im not smoking anymore' " revelations to "Oh fuck it have one" when they discover me hovering outside some door in shame. It's tricky though when part of my regime includes the un-researched benefits of CBD oil, to be administered in a variety of ways ( tbc) and I can convince myself that any form of getting the stuff into my system is worth a go. The selection of turkey tail and turmeric powders etc, etc and repurposed drugs I am now taking daily are a challenge, my porrige tastes like it has gravel in it and my clothes all have remarkable un-get outable yellow turmeric stains, as have the chairs, cushions and the cat.