monday am

found some blog i'd written in a notebook at 5am while in hospital so thought i'd add it. no time to think- constant checks from different nurses to check the epidural still working (using frozen chemical spray, sprayed up and down my body, or in one instance an ice cube in a glove??!!), heart rate, bowel xrays, insulin, blood pressure, temperature- name date of birth (i suppose in case someone else snuck into my bed when they were not looking). My body, were i not so ill would be in remarkably good shape, scary though to see your arm and leg muscles diminish just when you need them to run away-slim but crouched over..shuffling. I've got holes all over me from needles and tubes, catheters and canulas that appear to be removed two each day at the moment- the doctors know i want rid of them and play into my game- if you eat a jelly and don't throw up we can take that one out- if you do a poo you might even be able go home-and no you cant take the stockings off! I was asked yesterday if one of the holes was a port!!?? had i missed something-and since learn that you can come and be plugged in to the Marsden for treatment- like a laptop upgrade.

I've got lifelong pills to fight infection, injections to un-coagulate my blood (which i have to self administer for two weeks at home-arg), pain killers, pills to stop painkillers making me sick, meds to stop painkillers giving me constipation and on and on. I am happy because they have taken out the tube which was going into my stomach via my nose and i haven't thrown up but i'm not really eating and haven't been to the loo and have been told the tube might have to go back in if things don't improve- i madly order lovely food each day from the menu and it stays on my table until its cleared away. The problem being that everything i put in my mouth tastes like cardboard- which i can chew and make into paper mache alright but then cant swallow. Felt a little panicked last night as a new patient was admitted next to me (not a patch on the previous asian lady whose tracheotomy voice box did indeed make her sound like Mr Bean calling out for co-codemol and ketchup) I eavesdrop avidly as new patient has been re-admitted after surgery for bowel cancer and there is now a blockage meaning she threw up her crumpet this morning and then regret listening as they manually re-insert the tube to her stomach as she convulses on the bed.

There are two other women in the ward with me now- one who is turning rapidly yellow and now orange and another opposite me who i spent time in intensive care with- her only interaction to suggest 'we need one of those Alison, don't we' as she mimicked smoking a cigarette when asked to cough after surgery (another ongoing challenge i find myself in) -not funny- i decided not to humour her and cant be bothered to make friends at this stage but just stare at her in case she does anything entertaining. Its worth the wait, she is morphed up to the hilt today, behaving like a headmistress let out for the day, laughing and joking with the staff, talking to herself and her machines and prancing around her bed getting tangled in the wires. 'i didn't mean to, i didn't mean to' she rambles before alerting staff that she had leant on a tube with her elbow - then finding something hilarious shouting 'oh no it was my finger har har!'- who am i to talk i'm probably writing this on my sheet. Haven't had any elephants or dolphins to report probably because ive had epidural drugs rather than morphine, in fact only one syringe of morphine which i was given to squirt in my mouth and which appeared to do nothing. The tramadol drugs i was initially taking gave me some weird experiences though and i felt like i spent whole days falling in and out of sleep only to look at the clock and see it had moved five minutes on each time.